Extra Innings Can You Go Home Again By Don Massenzio Goodreads
National Boss/Employee Twenty-four hours – September xi
Q: How is Christmas like your task?
A: You lot practice all the work and the fat guy in the adjust gets all the credit.
2 factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I tin can brand the boss requite me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The adult female says, "Simply await and run into." She then hangs upside downward from the ceiling. The dominate comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light seedling." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going dwelling house, too. I tin't work in the night."
National Video Game Day – September 12
Q: What does Princess Peach sit on at a bar?
A: A toad stool
Q: How does Yoshi feel when he gets hurt?
A: Dino-sore
Q: What's a toilet's favorite game?
A: Telephone call of Doodie
National Cream-Filled Doughnut Day – September 14
I was on a nutrition, just I doughnut intendance anymore.
Why did the doughnut go to the dentist? To get a filling.
Warning! Doughnuts will make your wearing apparel shrink.
Wife Appreciation Day – September 17
A law officer jumps into his squad auto and calls the station.
"I have an interesting case here," he says. "A woman shot her hubby for stepping on the floor she only mopped."
"Have you arrested her?" asks the sergeant.
"No, not yet. The floor's withal wet."
A woman noticed her married man standing on the bath scale, sucking in his breadbasket.
"Ha! That's not going to assist," she said.
"Sure, it does," he said. "It's the only fashion I tin see the numbers."
A therapist has a theory that couples who brand love once a solar day are the happiest. So he tests information technology at a seminar by asking those assembled, "How many people here make love in one case a day?" One-half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. "Once a calendar week?" A 3rd of the audience members enhance their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. "In one case a calendar month?" A few hands tepidly go up. And so he asks, "OK, how about once a year?"
I homo in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his easily. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. "If you make beloved but once a twelvemonth," he asks, "why are you so happy?"
The human yells, "Today's the day!"
Labor Day – September fourth
My wife came home from piece of work yesterday and was raging about her dominate. She said to me, "I'chiliad never going to work for that man again!".
I asked her, "Why, what did he say to yous?"
She said, "Yous're fired."
If all the cars in the Usa were placed terminate to cease… information technology'south Labor Mean solar day Weekend
Labor Day is a glorious holiday because your child volition be going back to school the next twenty-four hours. It would have been called Independence Solar day, only that name was already taken.
My boss made me go into the office on Labor Day. Halfway through the mean solar day, he came in to check up on me and caught me having a beer.
He said to me, "You tin't drink while you're working."
I said, "Oh, don't worry – I'one thousand not working."
Cheese Pizza Day – September 5th
Want to hear a joke about pizza?
Never listen, it'south too cheesy.
Q: How do you set up a broken pizza?
A: With tomato plant paste.
Q: What does an aardvark like on its pizza?
A: Ant-chovies.
Q: How practice you become the college grad off your front porch?
A: Pay for the pizza
Beer Lover Day – September seventh
Q: What is a man's thought of a balanced diet?
A: A Budweiser in each mitt!
Two frat boys were stranded at sea in a life gunkhole. On the 4th day, a mermaid came up out of the water and offered them one wish to relieve their lives.
The frat boys idea about it and i shouted out,"I wish the body of water was a sea of beer." And information technology happened.
A litle while later the other one shouted,"Great, at present nosotros have to pee in the boat!"
There's a large conference of beer producers. At the stop of the day, the presidents of all beer companies make up one's mind to have a drink in a bar.
The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to beverage, and much to everybody'due south amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!
"Why don't you gild a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.
"Naah. If yous guys won't drinkable beer, then neither will I."
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the stop of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says: "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says: "I desire a beer that never is empty."
With that, the genie makes a poof audio and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says: "I want 2 more of these."
National Bow Tie Twenty-four hours – August 28
National Toasted Marshmallow Twenty-four hour period – August 30
NICK: What a nightmare — I dreamed I was eating a behemothic marshmallow.
RICK: What'southward and so bad nigh that?
NICK: When I woke upward, my pillow was gone.
National Matchmaker Day – August 31
Barbie, a waitress, decided to put her matchmaking skills to the test with our mutual friend Mike. She figured that Sandy, another customer who seemed to accept much in mutual with Mike, would be an platonic engagement.
1 day Mike came into the eating place when Sandy was also there. Barbie dragged Mike over to Sandy's tabular array and introduced the 2. Then she watched, in amazement, equally Mike put his arm around the immature woman and said in his best mock-seductive voice, "Hellooooh, Sandy."
"You guys know each other?" Barbie asked.
"We sure do," said Mike. "She's my sister."
The Matchmaker goes to encounter Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Avery, don't leave it besides late. I take exactly the one you demand. You only have to say the word and you lot'll come across and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.
"Don't bother," replies Mr. Avery, "I've two sisters at home who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a married woman."
"I said '2 sisters'. I didn't say they were mine."
National Brazilian Accident Out Day – August 21st
A guy admired the hair of three girls.
He walked by one
and asked, "How'd you get such lovely blonde hair"
Taking her hand and gently running it through her pilus, the girl
answered, "It's natural."
The guy walked past the 2d girl
and asked, "How'd you get such
pretty brown hair?"
Fluffing her hair, the second girl said, "Information technology's natural."
Finally the
guy approached the third girl and asked, "How'd yous go
such cool
greenish pilus?"
Taking her paw and rubbing it upwardly past her nose,
then skimming information technology
through the pilus, she said, "It's natural."
A adult female was cutting her husband'due south
thinning pilus, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack.
She ofered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious
qualities. "It has more than vitamin C than an orangish," she remarked.
"And more pilus than Dad," added their son.
What should you buy if your
hair
falls out ?
A expert vacuum cleaner !
National Senior Citizens Solar day – August 21st
Grandpa was telling his immature grandson what life was like when he was a male child.
"In the wintertime we'd ice skate on our pond. In the summertime we could swim in the pond, and option berries in the forest. We'd swing on an old tire my dad hung from a tree on a rope. And we had a pony nosotros rode all over the farm."
The fiddling boy was amazed, and sat silently for a infinitesimal. Finally he said, "Granddad, I wish I'd gotten to know you a lot sooner!"
An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing dorsum to full strength.
After a few weeks the homo came dorsum to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.
The hearing specialist said, "It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted y'all tin can hear everything now."
"Oh no," the homo responded. "I oasis't told any of them. I but sit quietly, listening carefully. I've changed my will four times."
Infirmary rules country that patients checking out must have a wheelchair.
Ane day a newly graduated nurse banana came into the room to observe an elderly homo fully dressed. He was sitting on the bedside chair, with a piece of packed baggage at his side, all gear up to go.
When he was shown the wheelchair, he was adamant that he was fully capable of walking himself to the parking lot.
But the assistant told him rules were rules, then he relented and let her wheel him out.
In the elevator, the assistant asked the elderly human if his wife was coming to meet him.
"I don't think and then," he replied. "It takes her awhile to change her dress, so she's probably yet upstairs in the bath taking off of her hospital gown and getting dressed."
National Tooth Fairy day – August 22nd
"Are you the molar fairy?" my seven year old asked, after all the same another tooth vicious out. Very impressed that she picked up on this, I bodacious her that I am in fact the tooth fairy. My bubble was burst a few minutes later, when after thinking for a few seconds she asked, "how do you lot become into the other kids houses?"
When his two front teeth fell out within days of each other, my six-year-old son, Joey, was delighted by a quick and profitable succession of visits from the tooth fairy. However, the novelty of having a wide gap in his smile quickly paled. Not long after, while my husband was tucking him into bed, he found two coins under Joey'south pillow. When asked what the coins were for, Joey replied firmly, "I want my teeth back."
I was playing tooth fairy when my daughter suddenly woke up. Spotting the money in my mitt, she cried out, "I caught you!" I froze, trying to call back of an caption for why I, rather than the tooth fairy, was depositing a gift under her pillow. I was let off the hook when my girl interjected, "Y'all put that money dorsum! The tooth fairy left it for me!"
National Relaxation Day – August 15th:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A modest rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Tin I also sit down like y'all and do zilch?" The hawkeye answered: "Sure, why not." Then, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. Of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, yous must be sitting very, very high upward…
I was coming back from visiting my son in my Miami and I stopped at a residue stop to use the bathroom. I just sat down on the toilet when I heard a vocalization coming from the stall next to mine, "Hey! How's it going?" Although I was quite surprised, and I wasn't in the habit of conversing to the people next to me in the stall, I nevertheless answered him, "I'm fine" I said "thank you for request." "What are you doing?" Asked the aforementioned voice. To be honest I was a flake taken ashamed past the brazenness of this fellow, only I would never ignore anyone and then I calmly answered, "I'one thousand releaving myself." Then I heard the aforementioned voice again, "I'm going to accept to call yous back, some smart-aleck is answering all of my questions."
Nothing reminds a adult female more than of the things that her husband has to practice around the business firm than the sight of him resting.
National Radio day – August 20th:
My father hated radio and could not await for television to exist invented so he could hate that also.
Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.
If information technology weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, nosotros'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
National Dollar Solar day (August eighth)
Subsequently hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a human being wrote the IRS, "I tin can't slumber knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If I still tin't slumber, I'll send the remainder."
Here are the best tried-and-failed excuses British businesses gave for not paying their taxes on time.
• My pet goldfish died. —Self-employed architect
• Our business doesn't really practice anything. —Financial services firm
• I've been besides decorated submitting my clients' tax returns. —Accountant
I was in small-scale-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a practiced task only nevertheless had trouble paying her bills on time. "Can't you alive within your income?" asked the judge.
"No, Your Honor," she said. "Information technology'southward all I tin do to live inside my credit."
National Book Lovers Day (August 9th)
My father gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't observe the words to give thanks him.
Q:What do yous do if pet starts eating your library volume?
A:Take the words right out of their mouth.
Q:What did ane book say to the other one?
A:I only wanted to run into if we are on the same folio.
National Lazy Day (Baronial 10th)
They say that hard work never killed anyone simply why take the chance? – Ronald Reagan
Give a lazy person a fish and he will eat it. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit down in a boat and sleep all day.
I don't listen coming to piece of work, but that 8 hours of waiting to go dwelling really stinks.
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National Presidential Joke Day (Baronial 11th – Some could fence this is every day in the U.Due south.)
"My esteem in this land has gone up substantially. Information technology is very overnice now when people wave at me, they use all their fingers."
– Jimmy Carter
"My heroism was absolutely involuntary. They sank my boat.
– John F. Kennedy
"Politics is supposed to be the world's second-oldest profession…and I accept come up to realize that information technology bears a very close resemblance to the outset."
– Ronald Reagan
July 31st – National Mutt Solar day
Q: What did the hungry Dalmation say when he had some kibble?
A:That hit the spot!
Q: What kind of domestic dog does Dracula have?
A: A bloodhound!
Q: What do yous get if y'all cross a Beatle and an Australian dog?
A: Dingo Starr!
Q: What do you call a dog wizard?
A: A labracadabrador.
Q: What do you telephone call a frozen dog?
A: A pupsicle.
August 1st – National Girlfriends Day
Q: What did the artist say to his girlfriend?
A: I really honey you with all my fine art!
Q: What exercise you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
The mobster told everyone his ex was an absolute treasure. By treasure, he meant you will need a map and a shovel to detect her.
Why didn't the human being report his stolen credit card?
The thief was spending less and then his girlfriend.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A girlfriend to show him how to work it.
August 4th – National Catch Some Nuts Day (write your own jokes)
In the United States, nosotros feel compelled to assign days to all manner of things. Here are some of the best from the week of July 21st.
July 21st – National Junk Food Day
What practise you lot become if yous carve up the circumference of a bowl of ice cream past its diameter?
Pi a'la manner.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
Considering of the Rocky Route.
What is a man's idea of a counterbalanced diet?
A bag of tater fries in each hand!
If Jake has 30 chocolate bars, and eats 25, what does he have?
Diabetes….. Jake has diabetes…
What'southward the best office of Valentines Day?
The day afterwards when all the chocolate goes on sale.
July 23rd – National Parents Day
Murphy said to his girl, "I want you habitation by eleven o clock." She said, "But Father, I grand no longer a child!" He said, "I know, that'southward why I want you domicile by eleven."
With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic. To add together to this, we kept running out of household supplies. I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item past writing information technology down on a note pad on the refrigerator. Equally a reminder, I wrote at the acme: "IF WE ARE OUT OF Information technology, WRITE IT Downward." When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the post-obit message: "MOM, You lot MAY Exist A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, But You ARE NOT OUT OF IT."
A human speaks aimlessly into the phone, "My married woman is pregnant, and her contractions are just two minutes autonomously!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the homo shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
A man and his wife were making their first medico visit, the wife existence pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small postage and stamped the married woman'due south stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the postage stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying drinking glass to effort to see what information technology was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When yous can read this, come back and see me."
The human being passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. "Information technology was plenty to brand anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the automobile out, he came out with the lawn mower."
July 14th has national days designated for the following:
July 14th
National Tape Mensurate Twenty-four hour period
2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbirds
Ratio of an igloo'southward circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
Time betwixt slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: i bananosecond
Half of a big intestine: 1 semicolon
National Nude Mean solar day
HOW TO IMPRESS A Woman
Compliment her, caress her, buss her, caress her, honey her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, vino and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, back up her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A Human being
Go far naked … with beer.
A couple is going to an art gallery. They find a movie of a naked women with her privates covered only with leaves. The married woman doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"
The married man replies: "Autumn."
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked human?
A: How practice you breathe through that thing?
Q: Am I more than likely to become pregnant if my hubby wears boxers rather than briefs?
A: Yes, but you'll accept an even better chance if he doesn't clothing anything at all.
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Briton "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
No dress, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
July 7th is:
- National Male parent Daughter Take a Walk Day
- National Strawberry Sundae Day
- National Macaroni Day
Here are some jokes to brand the twenty-four hour period special:
Dad Jokes:
I love to torture my 9 yr-erstwhile daughter with terrible dad jokes. Here is a sample:
- Did yous hear about the eating place on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
- What do you lot call a faux noodle? An Impasta.
- How many apples abound on a tree? All of them.
- Want to hear a joke near paper? Never mind it's tearable.
- Why did the coffee file a police force written report? Information technology got mugged.
- How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos information technology together.
- Dad, did y'all get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
Ice Cream Jokes:
Knock, knock!
Who'southward there?
Felix.
Felix who?
Felix my ice foam I'll be very annoyed!
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Tobias.
Tobias who?
Tobias some nice cold ice cream, you need some money.
Q:What happens after y'all eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream?
A: Y'all get Breyer's remorse!
Q: Where is the best place to get an ice foam?
A: In sundae school
Q: What did the newspaper say to the ice cream?
A: What's the scoop
Macaroni/Pasta Jokes:
Q: Did you hear almost the Italian chef that died?
A: He pasta way.
Q: What do Italians eat on Halloween?
A: Fetuccini A-fraid-o
Q: What would you get if you crossed pasta with a ophidian?
A: Spaghetti that wraps itself around a fork
Q: What practice you call a fake noodle?
A: An impasta.
Q: Where did the spaghetti become to trip the light fantastic toe?
A: The meat ball!
Source: https://donmassenzio.wordpress.com/category/funny/page/2/
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